La Casa Retreat Under Attack by Mexican Drug Cartel
Vicious elements of the notorious Habaniero Y Yolanda drug cartel believed to be operating from a
secret base in the Sangre De Christo mountains of New Mexico initiated an unprovoked attack today
upon the fabulous La Casa Artist's Retreat, pummeling several structures with rocket propelled grenades
before Marine Helicopters from El Toro drove the scum off. In what has to have been one of the most
audacious and well planned forays by well armed insurgents operating right under the eyes of elected
officials, two teams of brigands wearing military camouflage roared through perimeter gates, over
running sanitarium security, to attack what they believed were pot farming installations on the grounds of
the retreat. A third team attempted to land a heavily loaded  helicopter on the heliport behind the visitors
entrance but was destroyed when two Marine   Apache Helicopters blasted them into smithereens. Gobs
of flaming this and that were spattered over the walls of the adjoining edifice but were quickly removed
by alert maintenance crews trained as auxiliary firemen. Observers counted a total of close to seven
direct hits upon the Schloss itself, including a crenellated turret long appreciated as a cherished piece of
the La Casa skyline.

Damage to the retreat was said to be extensive particularly to the 7th, 8th, and 9th floors which had only
recently undergone expensive remodeling. The K-Ikian Institute on the 7th floor is reported to have been
reduced to a pile of cinders, along with the West Wing Offices of Hocas Pocas on floor eight, which lay
directly overhead. On the ninth floor the Ace Poison center was also heavily damaged.

Little is known about the Habaniero Y Yolanda crime family except that its world wide criminal
operations are said to be extensive and efficiently run. Department of Homeland Security spokesperson
Nervous Nevile Gerbile said everything that can be done to contain the cartel is being done, and there is
no reason to suspect the attack will be repeated. The Department of Homeland Security is confident of
that fact, and wants to assure the public that it has nothing to fear except fear itself. Naturally, everyone
is being encouraged to go about their daily affairs as if nothing has happened, so that the Orange County
economy is not affected in any way whatsoever. Otherwise, the vicious scum would have achieved their
goal to terrorize the public, which just isn't right, if you know what I mean. And, of course, it's
unacceptable as well and just not the American way. Nervous Nevile was also quick to assure this
reporter that the Department of Homeland Security had definitely not provided the weapons used by the
terrorists as a means of determining how they might someday be used. Fortunately, for all concerned,
there were no fatalities among the artists at the retreat or any of the members of the staff, as the sleeping
quarters for all indigenous personnel are located on lower floors.    
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